Toddlers Are Aholes Download Ebook PDF Epub Online

Author : Bunmi Laditan
Publisher : Workman Publishing
Release : 2015-04-07
Page : 176
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 0761185755
Description :


At last, the book that answers the question on every parent’s mind: Why does my toddler hate me? Okay, it’s not really hate. It’s just that a little psychopath who walks through life 100% convinced that he or she is the center of the universe does not care that you have a heart, a mind, or a soul. You are simply a skin-covered robot tall enough to reach the candy on top of the fridge. And clean up the rage-vomit when you make the fatal mistake of cutting off the crust on your toddler’s toast. (Or not cutting it off—seriously, you can’t win.) Includes: The theory of toddler evolution Mealtime (AKA Hell) Your unraveling life And how not to die inside


Author : Bunmi Laditan
Publisher : Workman Publishing
Release : 2015-04-07
Page : 176
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 076118564X
Description :


Toddler a**holery is a normal part of human development—not unlike puberty, except this stage involves throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way in life. For parents of toddlers, it's a "you better laugh so you don't cry" period. Bunmi Laditan's hilarious, satirical guide to toddlerhood offers parents instant (and very welcome) comic relief—along with the very good news that "It's Not Your Fault." Chapters cover the cost of raising a toddler, feeding your toddler, potty-training, tantrums, how to manage the holidays, and "how not to die inside." Parents will see themselves in the very funny sections on taking your toddler to restaurants ("One parent will spend their time walking your toddler around the restaurant and outside like a cocker spaniel, while the other, luckier parent will eat alone."), Things You Thought You'd Never Say That You Now Say As a Parent of a Toddler ("I can tell you're pooping because your eyes are watering."), and how to order pizza ("Spend $40 on pizza delivery. Listen to your toddler cry for 30 minutes about how the pizza is all wrong. Watch your toddler take a small bite of crust. Google 'can anger give you a heart attack?' Start the bedtime routine."). Laditan's wildly funny voice has attracted hundreds of thousands of fans of Honest Toddler on social media; here she speaks parent-to-tired-parent, easing the pains and challenges of raising toddlers with a hefty dose of adult humor and wit.


Author : Karen Alpert
Publisher : Harper Collins
Release : 2014-04-08
Page : 304
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 0062341618
Description :


Following the success of Go the F**k to Sleep, Confessions of a Scary Mommy, and Ketchup Is a Vegetable, a collection of funny, warm, and charmingly profane tales from the frontlines of parenthood by the author of the popular Baby Sideburns blog. Once upon a time you and your partner had a perfect life: dinners out, weekend mornings cuddling in bed, brunch with friends. Then you gave birth to a poop machine (or two). Now, it's all about the pediatrician, breast pumps, princess dresses, and minivans. And discovering that your pride and joy is actually a little A-hole. When your son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. because he wants to watch Caillou, he's an a-hole. When your daughter outlines every corner of your living room with a purple crayon, she's an a-hole. When your rug rats purposely paint the kitchen ceiling with their smoothies, they're a-holes. At times like these, it's only natural to want to kill them (or yourself). But it's against the law (and there's the suicide hotline). Plus, there's that whole loving them more than anything in the whole world thing. In I Heart My Little A-Holes, Karen Alpert shares hilarious stories, lists, and deep thoughts on the joys and horrors of raising children. Accompanied by cheery illustrations and photos I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh so hard you'll wish you were wearing a diaper.


Author : Sopha King Tyerd
Publisher :
Release : 2014-10-10
Page : 140
Category :
ISBN 13 : 9780990592891
Description :


Toddler A**holery is a normal part of human development. It's like puberty but focuses mainly on throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way in life. Reader, never ever blame yourself for your toddler being an a**hole to you. Toddlers are beautiful, kind, and wonderful to people who are not in primary custody of them. There's a reason toddlers are at their peak cuteness: it's because nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave them there with a note that says, "I'm a little $hit and they couldn't take it anymore." Hide in the bathroom and read this hilarious, satirical guide for instant comic relief from cutting toast into perfect triangles.


Author : Susan Gregory Thomas
Publisher : Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Release : 2007
Page : 276
Category : Business & Economics
ISBN 13 : 9780618463510
Description :


An investigative journalist analyzes the diverse ways in which marketers and promoters exploit infants and toddlers and the potentially damaging impact of that exploitation on the family and society as a whole, from using the latest research in child development to sell directly to young children to transforming youngsters into consumers at an alarmingly early age. 50,000 first printing.


Author : Christie Mellor
Publisher : Chronicle Books
Release : 2012-05-11
Page : 144
Category : Family & Relationships
ISBN 13 : 1452116547
Description :


Parents were here first! How did the kids suddenly take control? Sure the world has changed from the days when children were supposed to be seen and not heardbut things have gotten a little out of hand. What about some quality time for the grownups? Author Christie Mellor's hilarious, personal, refreshing, and actually quite useful advice delightfully rights the balance between parent and child. In dozens of short, wickedly funny chapters, she skewers today's parental absurdities and reminds us how to make child-rearing a kick. With recipes, helpful hints, and illustrations, this high-spirited book is the only book parents will really needand enjoy.


Author : Bunmi Laditan
Publisher : Simon and Schuster
Release : 2013-05-07
Page : 256
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 1476733724
Description :


As seen on Good Morning America, the irreverent, bracingly honest, and “awfully funny” (The Boston Globe) satirical parenting guide from the Internet’s most infamous tot, whose unchecked sense of entitlement and undeniable charm have captivated hundreds of thousands of fans. Are you the confused parent of a toddler? Are you constantly disappointing the 2T in your life? Are you tired, stressed out, and looking for relief? I can’t help you with that last one, but if you want to become an A+ servant to your small child, this book is for you. Who better to teach you about toddlers than another toddler? In this book you’ll learn: • How time-outs make you look like a fool • Why potty training is not only unnecessary but unrealistic for children under eighteen • Why toddler beds are OUT and letting your child sleep on the diagonal in your bed is IN • The best way to apologize to your toddler for all of those Pinterest casseroles • That when you love someone, you accept them as they are, pants or no pants The hard-hitting knowledge in The Honest Toddler will save you thousands of dollars in unnecessary whole grains and toothbrushes. Happy reading. You’re doing the right thing. For once.


Author : Jill Smokler
Publisher : Simon and Schuster
Release : 2012-04-03
Page : 168
Category : Family & Relationships
ISBN 13 : 1451673779
Description :


An irreverent assessment of the dark side of parenting combines original essays and anonymous confessions as posted on the ScaryMommy.com site to encourage women to embrace their own parenting approaches without competing with other moms who only seem to have everything under control.


Author : Sarah Fader
Publisher : Osiris Ink
Release : 2016-06
Page : 54
Category :
ISBN 13 : 9781941065174
Description :


Once upon a time Sarah Fader wrote a blog post called 3-Year-Olds Are Assholes. It went viral on HuffPost Parents with over 400,000 shares on Facebook. This book tells the story of three-year-old Samantha, who is determined to make a rainbow. It features illustrations by Shari Ryan.


Author : Ilana Wiles
Publisher : Abrams
Release : 2016-09-27
Page : 224
Category : Family & Relationships
ISBN 13 : 1613123280
Description :


From the creator of the popular blog Mommy Shorts comes a “hilarious and comforting” look at real-world motherhood (New York Times bestselling author, Jill Smokler). Ilana Wiles is not a particularly good mother. She’s not a particularly bad mother either. Like most of us, she’s somewhere in between. And she has some surprisingly good advice about navigating life as an imperfect parent. In this witty and loving homage to the every-parent, Wiles suggests that they having the best child-rearing experience of all. Using Wiles’s signature infographics and photographs to illustrate her personal and hilarious essays on motherhood, The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting is an honest book that celebrates the fun of being a mom.


Author : Laurie Kilmartin
Karen Moline
Publisher : Abrams
Release : 2012-09-01
Page : 176
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 161312399X
Description :


Sh*tty Mom is the ultimate parenting guide, written by four moms who have seen it all. As hilarious as it is universal, each chapter presents a common parenting scenario with advice on how to get through it in the easiest and most efficient way possible. With chapters such as “How to Sleep Until 9 A.M. Every Weekend” and “When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby,” as well as a Sh*tty Mom quiz, this is a must-have, laugh-out-loud funny book for the sh*tty parent in all of us. Praise for Sh*tty Mom: “A totally hilarious and uncensored look at some of the impossible situations we mothers find ourselves in.” —TheBump.com “Smartly, brashly, nearly criminally funny. It also—no small thing—carries a powerful message to all parents, but especially moms, that distilled to its essence is this: chill.” —Time.com “As the attachment parenting craze has hit a zenith in American culture, four very funny moms—comedy writers, TV producers, and a novelist—blast open a long-locked safe filled with frustrations faced by all modern mothers, with sympathetic and sharp humor. . . . The authors’ unfiltered candor is a welcome reminder for readers that they're not alone. . . .” —Publishers Weekly starred review “Both funny and practical.” —Brooklyn Based.net "Hilariously entertaining. A must-read survivor's guide for every mother!" --Christy Turlington Burns, founder of Every Mother Counts “Finally, Sh*tty Mom does for motherhood what Chelsea Handler does for female scatology. It’s a long overdue little burst of honesty from the supposed minority of mothers who are, in fact, not that maternal. . . . After a generation of supermoms one-upping each other in dead earnest on playgrounds and schoolyards, the emerging mass appeal of Sh*tty Mom is a welcome relief.” —The New York Observer "Witty, wise, and wicked! With tongue planted firmly in cheek, these savvy moms dispense some much needed comic relief about raising kids in our crazy culture."? --Dr. Harvey Karp, bestselling author of The Happiest Baby on the Block “The most inappropriate parenting book I've ever read. Loved it. The perfect book for any mother who wants to laugh instead of cry at those cringe-worthy moments and the universal indignities we experience on a daily basis.” --Jessica Seinfeld, bestselling cookbook author and founder of Baby Buggy “An antidote to the hostage situation that is modern parenting…subversive, delicious, and spit-out-your-latte funny.” --Pamela Druckerman, bestselling author of Bringing Up Bebe


Author : Amber Dusick
Publisher : HarperCollins UK
Release : 2013-06-01
Page : 224
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 1472007786
Description :


Of course you love being a parent. But sometimes, it just sucks.


Author : Melanie Dale
Publisher : Simon and Schuster
Release : 2020-12-08
Page : 288
Category : Family & Relationships
ISBN 13 : 1982114371
Description :


From author and speaker Melanie Dale comes a laugh-out-loud hilarious parenting book that teaches you how to dial back the stress of raising children with the simple premise that we all just need to lighten up a little bit. Most of us thought we’d be amazing parents—and then we had kids. Now we spend what little free time we have comparing ourselves to other parents, comparing our kids to other kids, and panicking that everyone else is nailing it except us. Between constant social media postings to conflicting advice found in parenting books, we often have no choice but to freak out. But there is another way. We all just need to calm the h*ck down. Melanie Dale—a special needs parent, adoptive parent, in vitro parent, and reluctant cheer mom—believes we are all putting too much pressure on ourselves and our kids to be perfect. Instead, she argues, we need to take a step back so we can actually enjoy this journey called parenting. Calm the H*ck Down is filled with stories from Melanie’s own life, as well as real-life research for learning how to lighten up about every aspect of parenting—from poopy diapers and germs to family vacations and adolescent angst. She also discusses the pressure to knock it all out of the Pinterest park, the challenge of instilling some kind of faith into your kids, and worrying about their future while still trying to live in the present. Infused with quirky humor, profound insight, and accessible advice, Calm the H*ck Down gives you the permission to finally relax and enjoy this ridiculous thing we do called parenting.


Author : Nicole Knepper
Publisher : Penguin
Release : 2013-04-02
Page : 336
Category : Biography & Autobiography
ISBN 13 : 110165094X
Description :


If you feel like your kids are killing you, you’ve come to the right place. This irreverant, hilarious guide to the trials of motherhood makes the perfect gift for mom—or any woman with a huge heart and a mouth that sometimes needs washing out with soap. Attention all potty-mouthed, cheap-wine-drinking mothers: Prepare to meet your match. Any bad thought you’ve had about your kids, Nicole Knepper has had worse. Much worse. It’s not that she doesn’t love her kids. It’s that she understands what a mind-f*?% it can be to try to civilize those wild little beasts. Based on her hugely popular Facebook page, “Moms Who Drink and Swear,” this book reveals why family dinners are like herpes, how to avoid smashing toys that are being fought over, and the joy of hearing that your son has murdered his imaginary friend. As Nicole rants and raves about caring for children (without crushing their souls), family togetherness (without too many tears), the saving grace of girlfriends (and vodka), and love and marriage (and all the baggage that goes with them), she gets to the heart of what every exasperated mom is thinking, just much funnier.


Author : Monica Gomez-Hira
Publisher : HarperCollins
Release : 2021-03-02
Page : 432
Category : Young Adult Fiction
ISBN 13 : 0062996851
Description :


Perfect for fans of Jenny Han and Jane the Virgin, this immediately accessible and irresistibly fun #ownvoices rom-com debut will spin readers into an unforgettable summer of late-night dancing, broken hearts, second chances, and telenovela twists. Carmen Aguilar just wants to make her happily ever after come true. Except apparently “happily ever after” for Carmen involves being stuck in an unpaid summer internship. Now she has to perform as a party princess! In a ball gown. During the summer. In Miami. Fine. Except that’s only the first misfortune in what’s turning out to a summer of Utter Disaster. But if Carmen can manage dancing in the blistering heat, fending off an oh-so-unfortunately attractive ex, and stopping her spoiled cousin from ruining her own quinceañera—Carmen might just get that happily ever after—after all.


Author : Karin Mitchell
Publisher :
Release : 2017-02-23
Page : 254
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 9780998613109
Description :


A humor book about how it is at once a simple and impossible proposition to get your children to stop licking things. Parenting is weird.


Author : Danielle Steel
Publisher : Delacorte Press
Release : 2010-02-23
Page : 336
Category : Fiction
ISBN 13 : 0440339529
Description :


In this heartfelt, incisive novel, Danielle Steel celebrates the virtues of unconventional beauty while exploring deeply resonant issues of weight, self-image, sisterhood, and family. A chubby little girl with ordinary looks, Victoria Dawson has always felt out of place in her family, especially in body-conscious L.A. While her parents and sister can eat anything and not gain an ounce, Victoria must watch everything she eats, as well as endure her father’s belittling comments about her body and see her academic achievements go unacknowledged. Ice cream and oversized helpings of all the wrong foods give her comfort, but only briefly. The one thing she knows is that she has to get away from home, and after college in Chicago, she moves to New York City. Landing her dream job as a high school teacher, Victoria loves working with her students and wages war on her weight at the gym. Despite tension with her parents, Victoria remains close to her younger sister, Grace. Though they couldn’t be more different in looks, they love each other unconditionally. So when Grace announces her engagement to a man who is an exact replica of their narcissistic father, Victoria worries about her sister’s future happiness, and with no man of her own, she feels like a failure once again. As the wedding draws near, a chance encounter, a deeply upsetting betrayal, and a family confrontation lead to a turning point. Behind Victoria is a lifetime of hurt and neglect she has tried to forget. Ahead is a challenge and a risk: to accept herself as she is, celebrate it, and claim the victories she has fought so hard for and deserves. Big girl or not, she is terrific and discovers that herself.


Author : Clint Edwards
Publisher : Lulu.com
Release : 2015-07-06
Page : 214
Category :
ISBN 13 : 1483433331
Description :


"Clint is one of my favorite dad voices today ... He's the perfect combination of LOL funny, completely relatable and down to earth. There's nobody else quite like him!" - Jill Smokler, Scary Mommy "Clint Edwards brings real humor to the unsavory parts of childcare..." - Eli Epstein, Mashable "I always know, when I'm about to read a piece by Clint, that I'll end up nodding my head in agreement..." - Amy Joyce, The Washington Post "Clint Edwards writes about fatherhood in a way that is refreshingly self-deprecating and brilliantly honest. With views on parenting that are often off-beat and unconventional, Clint's work emanates a genuine warmth, enthusiasm and most of all, an unshakeable dedication to being the best father he can be." - Grace Koelma, Kidspot "Clint Edwards is dynamic. As a modern dad, his perspective is refreshing and his knack for stating the obvious and otherwise-not-mentioned is what allows him to connect with his readers." -Lara Bestbier, All4Baby.co.za


Author : Jen Mann
Publisher : Ballantine Books
Release : 2014-09-09
Page : 224
Category : Humor
ISBN 13 : 0345549988
Description :


NATIONAL BESTSELLER • A debut collection of witty, biting essays laced with a surprising warmth, from Jen Mann, the writer behind the popular blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat People I want to punch in the throat: • anyone who feels the need to bling her washer and dryer • humblebraggers • people who treat their pets like children Jen Mann doesn’t have a filter, which sometimes gets her in trouble with her neighbors, her fellow PTA moms, and that one woman who tried to sell her sex toys at a home shopping party. Known for her hilariously acerbic observations on her blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Mann now brings her sharp wit to bear on suburban life, marriage, and motherhood in this laugh-out-loud collection of essays. From the politics of joining a play group, to the thrill of mothers’ night out at the gun range, to the rewards of your most meaningful relationship (the one you have with your cleaning lady), nothing is sacred or off-limits. So the next time you find yourself wearing fuzzy bunny pajamas in the school carpool line or accidentally stuck at a co-worker’s swingers party, just think, What would Jen Mann do? Or better yet, buy her book. Praise for People I Want to Punch in the Throat “People I Want to Punch in the Throat is so good that it’ll make you want to adopt all the cats in the world. I’m not sure about the correlation, but it’s that good. It should come with a warning.”—Jenny Lawson, author of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened “Jen Mann has an amazing way of telling stories that will make you cringe and burst out laughing at the same time. From swinger parties to racist toddlers, she makes the suburbs unbelievably funny.”—Karen Alpert, author of I Heart My Little A-Holes “Jen Mann says the things we’re all too afraid to say. Her honest and hilarious writing style reminds me of David Sedaris and Tina Fey.”—Robin O’Bryant, author of Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves “Jen Mann’s shrewd and unrelenting assault on the absurdity of suburban life is an honest peek into the occasional nightmare that is part of living the American dream. I love Jen. I wish she was my neighbor. It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who wants to punch almost everyone in the f***ing throat.”—Nicole Knepper, author of Moms Who Drink And Swear


Author : Dawn Dais
Publisher : Seal Press
Release : 2013-06-04
Page : 224
Category : Family & Relationships
ISBN 13 : 1580054854
Description :


A humorous, realistic, and supportive guide to the first 52 weeks with a baby, The Sh!t No One Tells You is the first book in Dawn Dais's popular parenting series, followed by The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers and The Sh!t No One Tells You About Baby #2. There comes a time in every new mother’s life when she finds herself staring at her screaming, smelly “bundle of joy” and wishing someone had told her that her house would reek of vomit, or that she shouldn’t buy the cute onesies with a thousand impossible buttons, or that she might cry more than the baby. Best-selling author Dawn Dais, mother of two tiny terrors, is convinced that there is a reason for this lack of preparedness. She believes that a vast conspiracy exists to hide the horrific truth about parenting from doe-eyed expectant mothers who might otherwise abandon their babies in hospitals and run for it. Eschewing the adorableness that oozes out of other parenting books, Dais offers real advice from real moms—along with hilarious anecdotes, clever tips, and the genuine encouragement every mom needs in order to survive the first year of parenthood. The Sh!t No One Tells You is a must-have companion for every new mother’s sleepless nights and poop-filled days.